Gay and lesbian parents raise bar on child rearing

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FAMILY TIES is a quarterly special section published by Troy Media about critical, life-altering issues families face and how they deal with them.

January 5, 2011

TORONTO, Jan. 5, 2011/ Troy Media/ – Meet five-year-old Noah.

Noah is the biological son of a white mother and Jamaican father, was adopted by a married lesbian couple, and is being raised in both the Jewish and Christian faiths. Oh, and the last time he donned a tuxedo was for his grandfather’s same-sex wedding.

Confusing? Yes. But according to Shana Malinsky, who, along with her wife Kathryn, adopted Noah in April 2006 in Toronto, “Noah’s not going to have the opportunity to think that he’s anything less than the white child of the straight couple next door. He’s just as normal as any other child.”

It’s precisely this hands-on, let-them-say-what-they-will attitude toward child rearing that is helping to create a generation of confident, all-embracing, empathetic young adults.

Better parents                                    

Sensitive to discrimination, open to new gender definitions and advocates for tolerance, children of same-sex parents are setting new societal standards – and raising the bar for child rearing. And that’s no small feat in today’s era of neighbourhood bullies, back-talking teens, cash-strapped school boards and double-income families. Even the Canadian Justice Department hints that heterosexual couples could learn a thing or two about raising children from same-sex parents. According to a Justice Department study authored by Professor Paul Hastings at Concordia University, parenting by same-sex families is just as good – if not slightly advantageous – for children when compared with heterosexual families.

“A few studies suggest that children with two lesbian mothers may have marginally better social competence than children in ‘traditional nuclear’ families, even fewer studies show the opposite, and most studies fail to find any differences,” reports the 74- page study.

Rachel Epstein agrees. The coordinator of the LGBTQ Parenting Network and editor of Who’s Your Daddy?, an anthology on queer parenting, says, “Some of the research has shown that children of (same-sex parents) are generally more open to social diversity and that they tend to have slightly higher self-esteem than other kids.”

For Kevin Raymond, who is raising two adopted boys, Xavier, eight, and Richard, seven, with his husband Alfred in Brantford, Ont., excellent child rearing starts with seeing parenting as a privilege, not a right. “We’re obviously incredibly blessed to have an opportunity to have children to begin with, so we just seem to put so much more into it,” he says. “We’re constantly showing affection with our children. We’re very close, and I’m very proud of that . . . You just feel you’re so lucky to have the opportunity to raise children, you just want to be such a huge part of it, probably more so than a straight couple.”

Loving, hands-on fathers such as Kevin and Alfred are also helping to reshape the public’s perception of what it means to be a father. “We’ve made women inherently expert and inherently competent by relegating child rearing as women’s work,” says Chris Veldhoven, queer parenting program coordinator at the 519 Church Street Community Centre in Toronto. “That’s shifting now, as more men are emotionally engaging with their kids and are breaking down some of the gender roles about what it means to be a real man.”

There are challenges

That’s not to suggest, however, that same-sex parenting is without its fair share of challenges. “A couple of kids at school have said to our children, ‘Your father’s a fag,’” says Kevin. “And we always get weird looks when we’re registering our kids for baseball or soccer. At school, people always ask, ‘Where’s the mother?’ And I say: ‘There’s no mother. There are two fathers.’ You can see the look on their face, and then they immediately turn and talk to somebody else about it.”

In fact, Epstein says that while “there’s something very iconic about motherhood, many people can’t get their heads around children being raised without a mother. Gay men in particular are faced with some very, very negative falsehoods and myths.”

Yet Shana has also experienced discrimination while raising her son in a same-sex partnership. “Travelling seems to be the most difficult part,” she says. “We get questioned about where the dad is. There’s always that type of thing you have to answer.”

And then there’s having to contend with a slew of questions from inquisitive young minds. “Within the first week of school, I usually get three little girls asking a million questions about Noah having two moms, and how and why he’s a different colour. I’m just honest and explain it to the best of my ability to a four- or five-year-old.”

And by being honest, straightforward and instilling pride in her child’s unique family configuration, Shana believes that big things are in store for her son Noah. “He’s going to be an amazing, strong, well-rounded boy,” she says.  

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